kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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