Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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