I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
