worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
