well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
