i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
