I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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