How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
