My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
