I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
