just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
