If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
