Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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