im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
