i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
