I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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