You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
