You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
