Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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