I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
