On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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