I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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