I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
someone threw a dead crab at me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
