I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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