My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
