I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
