Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
