you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
