i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
