well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
