Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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