I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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