His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
