Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
