I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
