Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
