You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
