i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
