I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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