my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's shark week go big or go home
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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