Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
