I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
