Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
