he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
