I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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