she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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