That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
