My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
