Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
