and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
