Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When did angry sex become our thing?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
