I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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