do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
