You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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