saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
