i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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