did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
